Let me start by saying I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about this, and I am not sure how much I am willing to share. But because this relates to our lifestyle I do feel like I need to talk about it some. If you have been following along, you know that a couple of months ago my husband had a heart attack. If you haven’t read that post, I do recommend you take a moment and go back and read it, because I am not going to rehash the specifics here.
I mention it because as hard as I have tried over the last couple of months I have not been able to shake off the experience. Despite all of the activity over the last couple of months whenever I talked about it or thought about it I found myself getting extremely emotional. Pretty early on Lee mentioned the possibility of PTSD, but in the shorthand way people talk about having trouble getting over something. Since I equated PTSD with a traumatic event such as being in a war or loss of life, I didn’t ever think it could apply to me.
Fast forward to when we arrived at Timothy Lake and during our training class they mentioned we were eligible for Employee mental healthcare assistance. As soon as they started talking about it, I thought it might be a good idea if I talked to someone. I knew my reactions were intensified and between taking Chantix to quit smoking and the other lifestyle changes we had made I didn’t trust my own emotions. Several weeks went by before I found time to make an appointment. In the interim I stopped taking Chantix, but my emotions were still heightened to the point it was worrisome. Finally I found a therapist with availability on one of my days off and I went to see her.
It took less than 10 minutes into the session before she diagnosed me with PTSD. Oddly, hearing it from a trained professional made me instantly believe it, because she was so matter of fact about the diagnosis. She also helped me understand the connections between feeling safe and my full time lifestyle and that is where the conversation got really interesting. In a nutshell, because we were working in an isolated location when the heart attack happened and I was all alone for about 45 minutes during the event, I stopped feeling safe. And I haven’t felt safe since.
This is where it gets a little difficult to explain, but can we just stipulate the brain is a weird and wonderful place and not everything is logical. Over the last couple of month the only time I have felt somewhat safe was when we were with our friends. As soon as we left them I went back to feeling unsafe. Concurrently, the closer we got to coming back to Timothy Lake the worse I felt. I knew that I didn’t feel safe in that environment, but I also knew that my reactions were heightened. It didn’t help that some friends of ours were supposed to join us had to back out at the last minute. Lee thought it would be fine, but my stomach was in knots and as the start date grew closer I felt panicky
Turns out that work, feeling safe, and Lee’s heart attack are all interconnected in a way I didn’t really understand. While Lee was having the heart attack I was not only trying to deal with what was happening to him, but I also had to coordinate someone covering our jobs. Because we were on a single lane gate, someone had to direct the traffic and I had to call my boss, grab random oil field workers to help, and completely shut the road down when the emergency personnel finally arrived.
The only way I personally could deal with all of this was to shut down emotionally. Later I felt really bad..I mean really bad that I was able to do that. What did it say about me and our relationship? When I laid the experience out and asked the therapist if she thought my behavior was unusual or meant something, she said that she didn’t think any rationale person could say I didn’t handle the situation well. I couldn’t completely fall apart and dwell in the moment because of how complicated things were. To the contrary she felt I had done some creative problem solving in the moment, which was nice to hear. I can’t tell you how much that had been bothering me and taking a deep breath and talking to an independent third party and getting their opinion really helped.
I also learned that PTSD is more common than I thought. 5% of men and 10% of women have experienced it. Feeling emotionally disconnected is a textbook response. Heightened emotions, feelings of not being safe, all the emotions I have been having are very common symptoms. The good news is it usually resolves itself in a 1-3 month period of time. In my case because we had so much going on, I think those feeling got pushed aside and only when we finally settled did they really surface. Thankfully we are in a place where I can take advantage of our EAP benefit and see someone to talk it through. At this point I don’t really trust my feelings about anything and having an independent third party to talk to will be extremely valuable.
Finally I would like to say I have wavered on whether or not to share this. It is deeply personal, but it also relates to the lifestyle because the situation that caused the PTSD is unique to the way we have chosen to live. To be clear it was not Lee having a heart attack. That could happen to anyone at anytime. It was the feeling of isolation when the event occured. That’s what I need to work through and I appreciate everyone giving me the time and space to do that.
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Tracey,
First I want to thank you for being willing to share such personal information. Second, I want to commend you on helping to remove the stigma of mental health care and those who seek it. Big and I have been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years now and she has been an absolute God send! Initially she saved our marriage (of 30 years) and since then she has continued to help us work through other issues outside of our marriage. For instance, I was molested as a child, but NEVER told anyone. I still haven’t told a ton of people, but I am certainly more willing to talk about it. Big is using her as a life coach to help him better communicate with his boss and others. There is nothing wrong with seeking help in dealing with feelings and there is nothing wrong with having the feelings. So GOOD FOR YOU in finding someone you connect with to help you figure out those feelings and how to work through them in a manor that is best for you.
I hope things can be resolved and you can begin feeling safe again.
Keri
On Wed, Jun 26, 2019, 12:46 PM Camper Chronicles wrote:
> Lee and Tracy posted: “Let me start by saying I wasn’t sure if I wanted to > write about this, and I am not sure how much I am willing to share. But > because this relates to our lifestyle I do feel like I need to talk about > it some. If you have been following along, you know tha” >
Thanks so much for saying that Keri. We’ve been married 30 years as well and you think you have everything figured out by then…but not always. Also I’m so sorry I missed you at the reunion. I am absolutely coming to the next one !
Hi, my husband suffers from military-related PTSD. I live with this daily. He is never violent, but curt or distant. He is on meds that help. He will repeat himself several times, reliving a story over and over to our neighbors, or people he comes in contact with. I do not know if this is scientific or not, but I believe in the fight or flight theory. You stayed to fight, and you did well, another option would be to shut down before you managed things and just left with him, no one at the gate. I commend your response to a very difficult situation. I hope it never happens again, to any of us.
Thank you for sharing
Your continued bravery as you share your story is something I respect and admire about you. Sending love and hugs❤️💜
Thanks Ellen!
Tracy,
Thank you for your courage and willingness to pull back the curtain on PTSD specifically, and mental health in general. When we hear stories like yours, and your decision to talk with experts, you encourage others – full timers or not – to do the same. Good health to you both! Liz
Thanks Liz. I was surprised by how tough it was to actually hit the publish button. Glad I did it though and pulling back the curtain is a great way to express what I felt I was doing.
Love and hugs to you and Lee – always! ♥️
Love to you guys ❤️
Hi Tracy, months after my husband passed from an aneurism, I felt guilty for being so strong for the five days he lingered in ICU and through the tough decisions I had to make including removal of life of support. I felt guilty for not falling apart emotionally at that time. I think it’s survivor’s guilt. The rational side of my brain assures me that I had to be strong for him but my broken heart questions why I wasn’t an emotional wreck.
Thank you for sharing. And, being smart about seeking help to understand what you’re experiencing now s a testament to your strength and courage, the same strength and courage that got you through Lee’s heart attack and will get you through the PTSD.
Stacey
Stacey thank you very much for sharing that experience. It really helps.
Sharing ones experience has worked for me. Dog attack, witness to two suicides, living through an 8.4 earthquake….. each different, each brings back anxiety, it’s real and different for everybody that has had to deal with it. Bottling it up is not the way. Sharing helps you and it helps others. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Brian
First I want to thank you for being willing to share such personal information. Second, I want to commend you on helping to remove the stigma of mental health care and those who seek it. Big and I have been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years now and she has been an absolute God send! Initially she saved our marriage (of 30 years) and since then she has continued to help us work through other issues outside of our marriage. For instance, I was molested as a child, but NEVER told anyone. I still haven’t told a ton of people, but I am certainly more willing to talk about it. Big is using her as a life coach to help him better communicate with his boss and others. There is nothing wrong with seeking help in dealing with feelings and there is nothing wrong with having the feelings. So GOOD FOR YOU in finding someone you connect with to help you figure out those feelings and how to work through them in a manor that is best for you.
I hope things can be resolved and you can begin feeling safe again. I tried to send that from my phone, but for whatever reason my phone refuses to recognize my password. I just remembered that it didn’t send so I got in “big” gmail and am sending it now because I think it is important.
Thanks Kerri I did see this the first time and really appreciate you sharing it
Thank you for sharing. I don’t like to boondock alone and I think it might be related to the “what if something happens” thoughts. Our brains do weird stuff!
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